Updated: Sep 25
Reflection and introspection have always kept me grounded and humble (yet for the grace of God, so be I). Empathy keeps me open minded and open hearted (we all have a story).
I became a mother before I became a woman. I was thrust into a life that (for most of my life) I felt like I didn’t sign up for. A life that was forced upon me; let me explain...
My parents were in their mid-thirties when they had me and maybe it was the culture at that time, but we didn’t have a lot of parent/child conversations. To make matters worse, they were separated before I learned how to ride a bike. Their separation left my mom a single mother of three children and life as I’d known it changed drastically!
As a young child, I admired my mom’s work ethic. I remember her waking up at 5am to get to work to make sure that my siblings and I had life’s essentials (food, shelter, clothing) and most times, a lot of the things we wanted, too.
My mom was an excellent provider, but I felt she lacked the emotional depth I longed for. Now let me be clear, I don’t say this to be disrespectful, but merely to make a point. I understand (especially now as an adult) that it’s extremely difficult to wear all the hats your children need as a single mother, but it doesn’t change the fact that I needed more than tangible things. That said, I wasn’t offered the privilege to have a conversation about the birds and bees, etc. because my mom was too busy making sure the necessities of life were taken care of.
Fast forward to age twelve and I became sexually active. I had the faintest idea or desire for sex, but it still happened and within a year, I was pregnant (at thirteen)... #mixedblessing
The funny thing was, at around eight years old (I had an old spirit), I’d made up my mind to never have children. Watching my mom juggle the many responsibilities of parenting influenced my decision and I wanted no parts of it.
In retrospect, having my daughter (Kourtney) was the best thing that happened to me, because she filled my emotional emptiness (albeit it temporarily). But something changed when I delivered my beautiful, always smiling and happy, baby girl; something in me shifted. Was it because my body had experienced something my mind couldn’t fathom 😩 or was it the beginning of my becoming 🤔? I later figured out that giving birth was the day I became a woman! Almost instantly, I matured and I had purpose that I couldn’t articulate. Kourtney was no longer my emotional crutch, but now my inspiration and motivation. I had purpose and felt a deep spiritual knowledge of who God wanted me to be!
Raising Kourtney was the highlight of my day/life! I had her as a freshman in high school, but with the support of my family (in particular, my sister and mom), I was still able to live somewhat of a “normal” teenage life. I was an athlete, went to prom (all four years😉), and I graduated!🙌🏽 But life as a teenage mother was daunting. I was trying to figure out who I was destined to be while trying to raise and teach Kourtney who she was!
Having Kourtney also changed my perspective, having her made me want more children (and had I been married then, I probably would have had four or five more☺️). Ironically, I also wanted her childhood to be polar opposite of mine. I wanted her to experience life in a two parent home (don’t we always want what we didn’t get as a child or try to mimic what we did have?) and so this desire prompted me to seek relationships that would lead me to my expected end: marriage.
I’ll save you from having to read about my failed relationships, but I will make the point that my desire to give Kourtney what I never had (two parent home), changed the trajectory of my life. Subconsciously (or consciously🤔) the very thing I was trying to create for her, led me to the very thing I didn’t want for her (us), divorce!
To all the boys I’ve loved before
My lack of emotional connection as a child coupled with my misguided mission to create a “better” childhood for Kourtney, led me to several unhealthy relationships and divorces (yes, more than one🤦🏽♀️). After the last failed marriage, I went deep inwardly and after months of work, I had an epiphany and it’s best summed up in the lyrics to “Slow Down” by India.Arie.
“Slow down baby, you’re going to fast, you’ve got your hands in the air with your feet on the gas”
“You’re ‘bout to wreck your future running from your past, you need to slow down, baby!” Slow Down by India.Arie
Though my heart was in the right place, my motives weren’t. I was a serial “marriage seeker“ on a mission to find the special guy who would accept both Kourtney and I, who would marry me to create this magical childhood for Kourtney that I’d never had. Whew, #hotmess!
I did meet some great guys (at the wrong time), but there always came a time when who I was with directly conflicted with what I knew God’s intention was for me, but I’d already be into it (married). I was dreadfully impatient, but because I was so consumed with creating this life for Kourtney that I didn’t have, I often missed the forest for the trees. However, as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason; and I’ve learned tons of relationship lessons that still guide my decisions today.
What I thought I wanted and what God purposed for me, I now understand were two completely different things (and I wish I knew that years ago, but better late than never). #latebloomer
Don’t get it twisted, I’ve led myself down many rabbit holes, but even after doing so (and sometimes prior to), I always knew that I’d rise again. #phoenix
I’ve been blessed with an insatiable gift of grace/mercy that created this fearlessness in me, that even at times when I should’ve chosen better, I knew God’s grace was sufficient and would reconcile me.
What 2020 taught me
I came into 2020 with the mantra “double (abundance) and vision” and even in the midst of a global pandemic, God again, kept His promise!💃🏽
2020 was peculiar, but it stretched me. It forced me to give myself more grace. It taught me to be still and to simply be. It brought new appreciation of the things I often take for granted (home, family, health, toilet paper😂). It spotlighted my village/support system. It stirred up my innovation and creativity. It honed my discernment. And most importantly, it taught me that life is fleeting and in as much as it’s easy to be distracted by the many tantalizing things (and people) in this world, that this is not my permanent home. When my time here is up, none of these earthly things will have mattered. I’ve learned that life itself is the true gift of life!
2021: I Choose
I finally trust myself, my intuition, and my passions and I stand in who I am! I am no longer running from my childhood! #perfectlyimperfect
I choose to be present for everyone in my life, daily (without reciprocity).
I’m whole, healed, intentional, focused, and doing all I can to leave a legacy for my children and grandchildren. A legacy that’s not only tangible, but a legacy where they feel free, safe, trusted, heard, seen, respected and loved. A legacy they’ll recall and (hopefully) feel, long after my ascension.
I pray the same for you! I pray this year be and give you more than you can ask or think.
Choose to create the life you are passionate about, by any means necessary (even if you’re doing it solo) and start today!
🥂Happy New Year!2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣1️⃣🥳